Shady Rae's Way

Bleh

2011-06-18T16:02:00.000-07:00

Once again, I have abandoned my lovely bloggers...

I have spent the last few months healing and resting my mind. I felt alot more refreshed afterwards. Things are a mess of good and bad, clarity and confusion at this point.

I have started a slow decent into alcoholism....drinking every single day since March. It's the last thing I ever wanted to be addicted to, but....here I am....

I started another blog, because this one has just been way to scattered...I will continue to write in this one, but if you want more detailed and more often posts...go to:
www.rainbowetiquette.wordpress.com

My little secret....

2011-03-02T06:41:00.000-08:00

Judging by the lack of comments I have recieved lately, I have a feeling my earlier and prolonged neglect of this blog has caused a lack of interest in the subject matter.

Since my life isn`t in PANIC state as it used to be, I also fear the mostly happy content of this blog is rather boring as well. As sadistic as this sounds...I think I shall continue to fill this blog with stories of woe and pain. Not because I want to gain your interest (although that would be a fantastic side effect) but because there is nothing wrong with healing.

Even though I have decided to follow a life path that is alot more positive, and consequently happier, doesn`t mean my life is all sunshine in rainbows.

I am going to let you in on a few little secrets. Some of them are rather painful, but I cannot move forward and progress until I work through them.

The content of the last story, was my twisted metaphorical view on my feelings relating to a specific situation that occured this summer.

There really is now way to skirt the issue, so I will be upfront and blunt. I got raped. Again.

It took what was supposed to be a beautiful little trip with a bunch of hippies, in a numbing and painful experience. I was drunk. I DO blame part of it on myself.

I spent about three months afterwards in a fury of emotions and confusion. To afraid to tell anybody, I dealt with the issue introvertidly and as a result I went a little bit insane.

After I had recovered the full memory, I got up the confidence to tell an older male friend of mine. As expected, he betrayed my trust and later on down the road (less then a month ago) invited me over to his place and tried the exact same thing.

The year ended in a tornado of mixed emotions and the beginning of a healing process.

I haven`t completely dealt with the issue, and decided to take the numb route again. I tried meditating it away, numbing it away with ketamine and even crying it away. Nothing has worked, yet, nothing hasn`t worked. I don`t feel anything towards the issue now...Just the remaining evidence showing itself in the mistrust of men, dating and confusion in anything sex.

I think it is probably important to properly deal with it, so it doesn`t unexpectedly show its face at an unopportune time in the future. Honestly. I don`t know.

I have alot of other things on my mind. But...I think I`ve fed you enough for now.

Lullaby Part II

2011-03-02T06:19:00.000-08:00

She takes me to a pool of water and tell me look with in it. I stare intently, expecting too see some magical picture to fill its surface and provide me with the answers I am so desperately looking for.

``I give you the choice now, child, to jump in this pool, and leave everything behind to start a new life...``
she speaks quietly.

I am tempted on impulse. But then I start thinking about my life, my friends, my family and all the wonderful experience I have had in my life. Bad as some of them are or not, without these experiences I wouldn`t be the person I am now.

The more I think about it, the better my life seems, and the more littler my problems seem.

If I started all over again...who knows what I might become....Besides, a clean chalkboard will eventually be filled up again. It doesn`t matter what life I lead, good and bad will always befall me.

I decide I would rather see how my current life turns out.

I smile, turn on my heel and walk away without a word.

Lullaby Part One

2011-02-16T16:36:00.000-08:00

"I'm sick"

"Where" She asks. I point to my head. I look down and pretend I am thinking.

"It happened again..." That is all I need to say. She understands. I can sense her pained expression without looking up. I don't mean to hurt her.

"Baby," she half-weeps half-whispers. "Say something." I open my mouth, but gag on words.

Silence takes over for an eery five minutes and I can't help but feel awkward. She senses my nervousness and reaches over to pull strands of hair away from my eyes.

"You're not alone..." I KNOW this, but I pretend in my eyes not to believe her. I say nothing.

Another minutes passes before she takes in a heavy breath and says "You NEED to get away".
Suddenly I find my voice "w-where?" I croak.

"Come with me" she says it so gently, so soothingly. I hesitate for a moment, then follow her. I don't know where we're going. I don't care.

I see a girl...

2011-02-16T00:25:00.000-08:00

What have I done to myself? I feel naked, even with all the walls I've built. Shame has become my only guise.

When I see my reflection, I look at this girl with hopeful eyes and sunken cheeks. She desires to be a butterfly but the world tells her to be an ant.

I can tell she wants to be free. A loose and perception dazed spirit sharing and searching for answers.

She doesn't want to care what the rest of the world thinks, but she is oppressed. After all, what is life without fancy cars, expensive homes, a professional career and two ATV's.

She thinks life would be just rosie living in the forest...What better roomate then mother nature herself? A kindred community of woodland creatures and tree-spirits.

When I study her further, I can spot a faint but distant pain behind her eyes, she has secrets....I can tell.

Her distant gaze leads me to believe she is a visionary...with a desire to change the world but with idea how to do it.

She looks like she is trying to say something, but she is unable to gasp out the worlds. I can see the spirit of oppression standing behind her, covering her mouth. Disallowing her to speak.

I look away...remembering the girl is me. I lift my hands to look at them. The dirt under my nails suggests no more then the masculine company I keep. The thousands of lines etched in my palms tell stories of true and flawed experiences.

My eyes lift to my scar-covered wrists. Released petrified into medallions. Symbols of the pain of have managed to overcome. I am glad because they are ONLY scars.

Glancing back into the mirror, I force my frown into a smile. I lift my chin...ready to face and conquer the world!!!

Summer Short

2010-11-23T13:30:00.000-08:00

For my incredible absence this whole summer and fall, I strongly apologize. I have been neck deep in mischief, fun and work.

As you saw before, I was going to reiterate my whole summer to you in parts of a story. Instead, I am going to cut to the chase and give the short version.

This summer, starting in mid-may, I began a crazy whirl-wind of travel, kick started by my biologicals mothers decision to kick me out of her house.

It was easier to deal with, at first, then it might sound, simply because the day before it all happened I asked life to give me some humility...and it happened.

I travelled with some of the most amazing people in the world, at the same time as experiencing the most amazing things beyond even my own imagination.

I will highlight the best parts of the summer:

1. Arriving in Nelson. The most chill, happiest and most positive town I have ever visited.

2. Meeting the two most amazing guys in the world. Seriously talented, and seriously wise beyond their years.

3. A crazy mushroom binge with said boys :)

4. Loki- A crazy three day rave that I snuck into!

5. The Awakening Gathering- the most spiritual, most amazing, most happiest time of my entire life...

6. EarthDance- A rave that we travelled 4 hours to get to, that ended up not letting us in because were were ID free. Instead we got high on acid and wandered the town meeting some amazing people, and learning some amazing things.

7. Acid Trip # 6- With a group of all my closest friends on the full moon of October...

8. Halloween Weekend- I went to 5 different parties, and saw friends I haven't seen in a VERY long time.

9. Kelowna Boardwalk Parties- A tradition my group of friends and I created involving lots of instruments, an open busking guitar case, alcohol and lots of weed. People passing by would stop, talk and/or sing with us!

10. Sexy Sounds and Santa Strikes Back- Two amazing 2000+ people raves, thrown by my close friends!

Those are scant details...

The worst parts of the summer?

1. When I FIRST got kicked out.

2. 'Losing' the boy that I fell in love with.

3. Watching my friend get destroyed by meth.

4. My dog dying.

5. Jordan and Taylor leaving after a huge breakdown...

6. One of my best friends leaving for new zealand.

I learned alot too, but I shall quote these things in a later blog....

Sorry this post is so scattered...I rather hate scattered blogs.

I still don't have a home, but I have a weekend job and am now on the road to my career. In a few months from now, I shall be (Dj) Techno Monkey :)

I love you all.

2010-09-08T08:25:00.000-07:00

The wind that lightly brushes your face....
The sun teases your skin during a cool breeze...
The samplers at your favorite grocery store...

A haiku...
A demo...

I am here....

Update: I apologize for no recent updates. I have been travelling all over British Columbia and Alberta catching all the festivals and raves, meeting new people, and finding new wisdom. Life is certainly good. I will post in detail in the near future. Ask questions. Prompt my loves.

נמסטה

2010-08-14T19:03:00.000-07:00

'Stars' I whispered, ' Why do you shine so?'.

'Illusion' was the answer, echoes from a million years in the past. A lucky reply to the same question that was uttered by a gypsy a hundred years before.

The same stars. The same rocky path I am walking down, telling the tales I am repeating. Gypsies, vagabonds, and wild bohemians, all asking the same questions that I have asked. Our free spirits melt into the earth...

I am spirit, hear my drums. Echo....echo...echo....the same sound will make thunder in the future. Gypsy drums creating our childrens bread. The rain, the storm. the thunder.

Of what are you speaking? You may ask. My answer? Look beyond the horizon, my love, and you shall see the truth.

ذي إرث لوفز يور سول. بكند تو ات. لوف إفريوان اند فلو بيس. نمسة
Follow the Stars, Shady

think

2010-08-13T01:37:00.000-07:00

Material possessions equal chains, and society is the wall in which we are chained.

Be free. Move. Live.

Do any of you listen? Or has the wind carried away my whisper??

The Final Beginning

2010-08-08T23:15:00.000-07:00

Hello my beautiful followers....

The Final Beginning has come upon me. New life. New me.

Where I have I been for the past two months? Good question! I have dropped everything and have been leading the life of a gypsy, travelling all over BC.

The great outdoors is my home. The grass my bed, the wind my air conditioner, the flowers my perfume. It's a beautiful and humbling life!

Money is not an issue, food, even shelter. Everything is provided to me through the universe. I have no job, and I have no home. It's amazing how much more fufilling a life you life WITHOUT possessions. I trade things, I busk and I sell my own creations.

I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR CHILDREN! (I've often heard sarcastic gypsy remarks related to this)
and....it takes a hippie to KNOW a hippie! No words my friends....

The world is my home. Everyone my brothers and sisters. I dance when I dream to dance. I fly when I dream to fly. I live when I dream to live....and I will die.

Such is the circle of life....